Awkward. Weird. Shy. Confused.
Those four words described my freshman year of high school, and they also defined my freshman year of college. I started off a wreck. It was all too sudden. I felt so alone even if I had family, a boyfriend, and great friends. Life was so good. I felt so alone the beginning. No one understood my anxiety. I made friends, but they had other friends. I don’t understand how some people can dive into the college life. I was frightened.
I had goals my freshman year that included going to school only for an education, continuing my relationship with someone I loved, and growing. I noticed my thoughts growing deeper and deeper. I wanted to know more, but the people surrounding me didn’t want to swim that deep in life yet. Goals change. I met none of those goals except growing more independent and more responsible. On a more spiritual level, my love for Christ grew.
I have similar goals for this year, but they’re more specific. My thirst for knowledge in all aspects of my life has grown ever since summer ended. I have too many goals to count on both hands, so I will share with you three of my goals for sophomore year.
1. Be Bold
Our theme for this year on Wednesday nights at church is the idea of being BOLD. I am nothing close to bold. I’m hard to see because I’m short, yet I stand out because of how different I look. 99% of the time, I am the only Asian in the room. I am a soft spoken little human who is afraid of speaking up because I don’t want to say anything stupid. I always think about how intelligent people sound when they talk, and I just sound like a shy 5 year old. I want to be bold. I want to be confident in the Lord, myself, and my beliefs.
Now, Lord, look on their threats, and grant to Your servants that with all boldness they may speak Your word (Acts 4:29)
2. Be okay.
This one is a hard one. At the moment, I am okay. I am not great. I am not bad. I am, simply, okay. I want to be emotionally, physically, and mentally sturdy. This process started in the beginning of the summer and will continue throughout the school year until I reach the point of contentment. It’s okay to not be okay, but if not being okay stops you from living life then it’s time to do something about it. I don’t want to go back to feeling numb, empty, and hopeless. I want to be okay. Personally, the only way to be okay is to be distracted by loved ones because if I am left alone with my thoughts, then things won’t turn out so pretty.
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13)
I am done growing. I will be short in stature for the rest of my life and if worrying adds a couple of cubits to my height, I would be a giant. Similar to being okay, I want to continue to grow in every part of my life. Ah yes, saving the cliche one for last. I always hear the phrase, “I’m working on myself.” Whenever we say that, we limit ourselves. It’s just a phrase to make us feel better. If you keep “working on yourself”, then you’ll never be able to be content with who you are. Give yourself patience, grace, and mercy. Growing takes time.
that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; (Colossians 1:10)
It’s a brand new start. Sophomore year is going to be a good year. I just know it.