To the Boys I Have Loved

Christ, Love

I loved you. I said it. I showed it. Of course I pictured us getting married and living happily ever after in our cute and cozy little home while we work our dream jobs. I wouldn’t have to wait so long to see you. Waking up to you everyday would be a joy. I could just open my eyes, and you would be there. We talked about marriage and kids and discussed our hopes and our dreams with each other in mind. Happiness lasted a couple of months, maybe a year and a half. Or at least I was happy when I was with you, but something changed. I suddenly became “not enough” or “too much”, or you soon realized that it wasn’t going to work out. Sad.

I have had my fair share of flings and a few serious relationships I can count on one hand. I even “loved” the boys I had huge crushes on (I know, crazy. At one point I wished the worst for you. With a prideful heart, I knew that I deserved better. For days on end I would be angry at every girl you interacted with. I would be livid every time I saw you. Pity parties for one were thrown. A new guy showed interest in me, and I finally moved on from you. Then the new guy decided “Nope, this chick cray.” (Disclaimer: I’m sure he didn’t think I was really crazy, but I know I’m insane.) It’s a never ending cycle.

Fast forward years later to being a 20 year-old woman the size of a 9 year old child. I am lying in bed thinking of all the boys who had my heart. Sorry for being so weird. Honestly, I cringe at the thought of myself trying to flirt with you. Sorry for always playing the “cute card” and making you feel guilty all the time. Also, sorry for never communicating with you on how I felt. I just wanted you to already know how I felt about everything. There’s also one more thing I’m sorry for.

I’m sorry for not loving the Lord enough

when I was with you.

Ladies, you might be wondering why I’m apologizing. You’re probably thinking I have nothing to apologize for. I guess this is a way to accept myself and where I am in my life right. Hey, ex-boyfriend(s) if you’re reading this.

In order to have a successful relationship, you must love each other despite your shortcomings. You must accept each other’s quirks and lame jokes. You must be supportive and encouraging. You also need to be honest. Communication with each other is important. There’s a long list of things involved in a successful relationship, but the key item that definitely must be on the list is loving God.

Dear boy,

I am sorry for not loving the Lord enough when I was with you. I put you on a pedestal instead of glorifying God and praising Him for how you have blessed me. I praised you instead. I rarely showed you what Christ’s love was like. I encouraged you, but I only encouraged you to love me more. I was probably always mad at you (but you also probably deserved it). I didn’t encourage you to love the Lord with all of your heart, soul, and mind. All I did for you was for selfish reasons because I wanted you to love me more. I’m sorry for not being the girl you needed at the time to help you in your spiritual walk with the Lord.

You cannot truly love someone without loving the Lord with all of your being.

So, I hope you find someone who radiates the love of Christ. I pray that this girl will love you with all her heart but also with Christ in mind. I pray that she will be there to encourage you to love Him because He is good even in times of trouble. I hope she supports you and tells you why she is mad at you. May she be beautiful in mind and spirit along with a heart full of Jesus and a little small space for you. May her love encourage you to be a better person. While she is loving you, I will be happy for you.

I am not bashing myself nor am I roasting the boys I have loved. Reflecting on my life, I have realized that I was not the girl you needed. Nor were you the one I needed at the time. So I leave you in my past, praying for the best for you as you continue your life. Paul said that it was better to be single than to be married, but I don’t want to be single. There are still plenty of distractions and plenty of things to worry about, Paul. With all this love in my heart, I will continue to grow in my knowledge of the Truth. I will continue to study and share the Gospel with others. I will proceed to bestow the love of the Lord upon others who need it. I will constantly be making more room for Jesus in my life and maybe leave a little room to love the one I will spend forever with (Don’t worry. You will know that you are greatly loved)

I will fail plenty of times. I will fall all the time in my walk with the Lord. With His grace and forgiveness received from His Son’s blood, I will move forward. Wherever you are, my love, I will be here loving you from afar with the love of the Lord. Hoping for the best for the boys who held my heart. This new year will be different.

Love,

The girl who still cares for your soul

He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. (1 John 4:8)

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2 thoughts on “To the Boys I Have Loved

  1. Jinny, this is such a beautiful post. I’m so proud of the humility and grace you exude in this apology. The Spirit truly has touched your heart with love.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I relate to this post on so many levels. Thank you for posting. I know it can be difficult keeping a humble head when remembering the past relationships (at least it is for me) but it’s wonderful knowing that God is here changing us and growing us into better people who are able to love more and more like Him. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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